


When in Erebor

by shinysparks



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Battle of Five Armies Fix-It, Crack, Dwarves being dwarves, Except Azog, so much for the plumbing in erebor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 22:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3306062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo expected something different, something far, far different, for the first feast in Erebor.</p><p>"Stew." He offered with a slight frown as he ladled some into a bowl before sliding into his seat at the table.<br/>"Battlefield stew, laddie," Dwalin muttered to him, carefully reaching over and sliding the basket filled with iced biscuits made by elves over to himself, eyeing the hobbit all the while.<br/>"Battlefield... stew?" Bilbo asked, raising an eyebrow.<br/>"Anything edible we find after a battle, goes in the pot," Balin explained, before turning to Thorin, "Remember the stew we made after the Battle of Azanulbizar?"<br/>"I don't think I'll ever forget it. Or its rather loud and smelly after effects." Thorin said with a loud sigh, "I haven't had the taste for eggs since."<br/>"Aye." Balin nodded, "In hindsight, it might not have been the wisest to mix eggs with that much beer. I'm surprised every orc for miles didn't hear us."<br/>"They were probably scared off by the stench." Added Thorin.<br/>"Not to mention what happened <em>after</em>!" Dwalin chimed in, his mouth full of biscuit, "Thought me arsehole was on fire..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	When in Erebor

**Author's Note:**

> Oh look. One even worse than the last. _*facepalm*_

Bilbo expected something different, something far, far different, for the first feast in Erebor.

"Stew." He offered with a slight frown as he ladled some into a bowl before sliding into his seat at the table.  
"Battlefield stew, laddie," Dwalin muttered to him, carefully reaching over and sliding the basket filled with iced biscuits made by elves over to himself, eyeing the hobbit all the while.  
"Battlefield... stew?" Bilbo asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"Anything edible we find after a battle, goes in the pot," Balin explained, before turning to Thorin, "Remember the stew we made after the Battle of Azanulbizar?"  
"I don't think I'll ever forget it. Or its rather loud and smelly after effects." Thorin said with a loud sigh, "I haven't had the taste for eggs since."  
"Aye." Balin nodded, "In hindsight, it might not have been the wisest to mix eggs with that much beer. I'm surprised every orc for miles didn't hear us."  
"They were probably scared off by the stench." Added Thorin.  
"Not to mention what happened _after_!" Dwalin chimed in, his mouth full of biscuit, "Thought me arsehole was on fire..."  
"Actually, this is quite good!" Bilbo said loudly, hoping to interrupt before the current conversation caused him to lose his appetite, "What's in this?"  
"Oh, a lot of things." Thorin replied, before cracking a slight grin, "Carrots, celery, potatoes... Azog."

Bilbo froze.

"A...Azog?" He said, muttering with a mouthful of soup.  
"Kíli wanted white meat." Thorin replied, nonchalantly.

_PFFFFFFFFT!_

Bilbo spewed soup out of his mouth, most of it hitting Bofur in the face and soaking the furry-hatted dwarf in half-chewed stew meat and spittle. Bilbo gagged, breathing hard as his eyes grew wide with shock and horror.

It was then that every dwarf at the table burst out laughing.

"Did you see the look on his face!" Bofur asked Bifur, cackling as he tossed a roll at Bilbo, hitting the hobbit directly in the forehead. He then tossed a few more rolls at the other dwarves, with both Kíli and Fíli catching theirs in their mouths. There were cheers and burps and more flying food and Bilbo... he just sighed. He remembered his last night at home, when he ran around having a conniption fit over the state of his kitchen, his dining room, his larder and most of all, his toilet. "This is how the dwarves feast." He told himself with a sigh, staring down at his bowl of stew.

It was then that he felt a large boot nudge his foot under the table. Bilbo looked up, and he found Thorin staring at him with a smile. The King under the Mountain held a roll in his hand, and winked. Bilbo sighed. _"When in Erebor, do as the dwarves do..."_ he thought to himself. He then smiled back, and nodded.

And Thorin tossed the roll. And Bilbo caught it in his mouth.

The hobbit threw up both of his arms in victory, mumbling a few random words in Khuzdul that made no sense whatsoever, his mouth full of bread. The rest of the dwarves cheered and threw more food and carried on as if they were having the time of their lives.

"It's chicken, isn't it?" Bilbo then asked Thorin, realizing he'd been had and plucking up the courage to take another bite of the stew.  
"Aye, it's chicken." Thorin said, taking a long drink from his cup, before offering a slight grin as he watched Bilbo eat the stew, "Or at least that's what we threw in there, after we ran out of orc..."


End file.
